lundi 9 février 2004

Beyond a fine, thanks and you

Just going through a lot of cruddy stuff right now. My mom is getting brutal side effects from her last week of chemo, which we didn't expect because we were told her last week was in January. Turns out they give more chemo if someone is healthy enough (a mixed blessing?) and now she's being prepped for her surgery in less than a month to have her cancer removed. We're dealing with all this junk from the government and I hate that I have to be the liaison for it. I'm also going through this really, really stupid thing that happened a few weeks ago and as it turns out, I need to go to the police for it. I'm losing my temper more than ever and I'm taking it out on my family. My family! Of all people; I am the crummiest daughter! On top of that, I've been so busy with everything that I have not had time to even read the Bible in months now. I feel like a horrible life group leader to my kids. I have a million errands to run. I've spent zero time on my field lab. I'm behind in all my assignments; I have deadlines to meet and everyday I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown.

I dislike using my blog as a place for verbal diarrhea and complaining, but this is what's happening in my life. I feel like everything's been turned upside-down and I can't tell anybody because that's more than enough to fit after a "How are you?" How do I tell people my life is insane without evoking pity from them? I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I know that life gets to be this way sometimes and that God will help me get through it. I just want to stop putting up a fake front before others, pretending that everything is okay.

"Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy....
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."
- Psalm 130:1-2, 5-6

I'll stop my whining right here :)

[Listening to: Speak to Me - Audio Adrenaline - Lift (04:04)]

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