vendredi 9 janvier 2009

Out there

It feels like we've been in a perpetual winter (Narnia?) but only because the chinook has taken over a month to show up - and that's if it actually does this weekend. I can't recall the last time the snow here has been piled up this high but I suppose it reminds me of Quebec and that's a nice thing.

I've been using the weather as an excuse for why I've become a recluse over the past couple of weeks but really, I might be turning into a (reluctant?) introvert. I say reluctant because I still thrive from being around others but my social life is slowly dying and I'm letting it do so, one day at a time. I also don't want to fully admit it just yet because I was so shy as a child and only when I became a Christian did I change into an extrovert - I don't want to revert back to what I was. But maybe after following Jesus for ten years now, I'm finally mellowing out into a more balanced version of me? Hmm, I'm not sure at this point. All I know is that I come home from work and I spend the entire evening cooped up by myself; then, I repeat this the next day. [I also go to church by myself, which is one thing I will admit that I dislike about big churches, but that's another topic.]

I struggle with this because I do want relationships with people - we aren't created to be alone. But solitude has become my reality and it's both disappointing and guilt-inducing. I keep telling myself that I have to decide what social activities I will engage in this year, but I'm still procrastinating on this (if it's not schoolwork, I suppose it has to be something else!). It never used to feel like work before but now it's as though I have to be so conscious about my (lack of a) social life that it's eating me up inside.

Maybe my soul is in a bit of a perpetual winter right now.

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