dimanche 12 d├ęcembre 2004

Spiritually honest

I realize my posting has been completely sporadic this semester. I figured people didn't need to know the latest updates on one assignment or another. Plus, I don't get out enough to maintain any form of a social life. Add my uncreativeness to this mix and it means I barely have anything to write about in the first place.

Another thing I've been experiencing lately is how dry my faith has become. I mostly attribute this to my lack of investing time in my relationship with God. I'm sure just like any relationship, if you don't spend time with the other person and think much about them, the less they start to mean to you. You take them for granted and give them a passing thought every once in a while, but at this point it's more of an acquaintance-ship. I fear that that is where I have headed with God. The love that I once had for the Bible, His Word, has diminished by my treating it as a textbook. The prayer times I once craved has been reduced to five lines of the usual plea that I not get into any car accidents that day (which lately, has been on the very top of my priorities). I read something about Jesus, and I add it to my list of facts about Him. I become an automaton who is able to spit out the right jargon and results, but inside I am letting my heart and soul disintegrate.

This is my fault, and I've been letting it slide on for too long. All throughout the semester, I kept telling myself that it would get better during Christmas break. I would finally have time then to devote to God. Obviously, that can't be right. Faith is meant to be lived out everyday, not hoarded for a later date. And of course it had to take me the whole semester to learn that. It's going to take me some time to unlearn all those bad habits I picked up, but I'm thankful God allowed me to see what was actually going on with my life. I suppose it's very easy to delude myself into thinking that busyness isn't harmful but I think I've seen enough repercussions. The bad news is that next semester, I'm taking seven classes and doing a ton of other things that will increase my current load. I either need to come to terms with how my work is interfering with my faith and cut something out or continue going on the way I am. Unfortunately, I don't know that I could give anything up.

"I can't be satisfied to sit along the rivers banks and wait
Somewhere inside of me there's a hunger for what lies beneath the surface
I've spent so long just getting by on borrowed faith and dead religion
I've come this far to only realize I've not come far at all"

- Starfield "Quiet Waters"

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