jeudi 23 septembre 2004

Existing consciously

My blogging frequency has more than plummeted around here but I'm still kicking, somewhat. I'm also feeling less than eloquent, so be forewarned.

I've been reevaluating a lot of things lately and that's led me to be more quiet and reserved, especially at school. I don't quite fit in with things anymore and I'm trying to figure out why. It's funny, I never thought I'd have an "identity crisis" near the end of college, but I guess that's how things work out. It feels like God is purging me at times, figuratively, yet in a real sense as well. It's unexplainable at the moment, but I do know the process is very trying.

Bottom line: I'm struggling to find my identity in Christ. I've given so much of myself to other people that I no longer know who I am. My identity always seems to come from the role that I take on in serving people. "Oh, you're that person that does this.." or "You're the one who helps out with blah blah blah." But no one's ever interested in finding out who the person behind all those tasks really is. And as a result of that, I don't even know anymore.

I remember speaking with a Christian counselor a while back (who saw this problem in me way before I started doing this hardcore), and she said that there are two things that some Christians, especially those with the gift of serving, confuse all the time. Those two things are "being" and "doing" and what happens is, the "doing" part swallows up the "being" part completely and when the person's near breakdown, the "being" part is spit back out and tattered throughout. That's the point I'm at right now. I'm just assembling the broken pieces of my being, and hoping to fit them together somehow. I know I can't do that without the help of Jesus and yet I persist in over-doing. Lord, help me.

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