dimanche 4 avril 2004

A long confession

It's strange to think that my future rests, well ultimately in God's hands, but also in the hands of whoever the selection committee for my program is. I won't even know which institution I'll be at and it's only a few months away. I registered for fall classes, but I can't conclusively say to anybody that I'll be in their classes at this point. I'm not quite sure what to prepare for, but it is definitely a season of uncertainty in my life. Never having gone through this before, I've been in a melancholic mood for the last while, and each day increases in nostalgia. Horrible feeling, really. It feels as though life is going to throw something even more unexpected at me, and that I won't be able to handle it.

I suppose the reason I feel this way is because stability is something I've always valued. Sure, spontaneity has its perks and I do thrive off of it for little things, like making weekly plans, but in general I enjoy knowing that things will be constant. Routine actually bores me, but it's the structure which upholds it that I'm more inclined towards. I mean, I've lived in the same house since I was four, been in the same city my whole life, and had no reason to switch schools, meaning I actually went to one school each for elementary, junior high, and high school. All of these things led me to savor that familiarity, and now I am on the verge of losing it.

This year has been the most challenging and it's truly because of God that I've made it through intact. Not only am I about to switch colleges (perhaps, maybe not), my family structure has changed majorly. With my mom's cancer and subsequent surgery, I've turned into a worse person than before, and I hate who I have become. I have lost all motivation to do anything, and all of my relationships have suffered immensely. One of my favourite things to do is to make new friends, but this year I've put up a barrier instead and probably projected to others the image that I'm shut-off and cold. Which I do feel I am.

So today I went through some old yearbooks and pictures, and remembered how much simpler life was. Yeah, I'm pretty young so it wasn't exactly as though I was contemplating the good old days or anything, but things I used to panic over are so inconsequential now. I was such a geek, still am I guess, and the majority of what I fretted over was just silly matters like homework or whatever - I don't even recall what I was stressing over. I was probably living in my own utopia, blissfully unaware of what a fallen world it really is.

But now it's like I've been smacked in the face by reality a couple of times, and I'm only starting to nurse the wounds. All that I've known is changing, and I can't keep up with the pace. I blame it on my stubbornness to resist adapting to such circumstances, but when you're overwhelmed, it's sometimes easier to let yourself be numb than evaluate what's happening. I know God is in the midst of all this, but it's such a struggle to feel His presence. I've been zoning out and neglecting my responsibilities more than ever. I do have joy and peace that can only come from Jesus, but there's so much crud on top that I'm having trouble recognizing it.

I seriously hope it's not depression that I'm going through, and that this temporary phase will come to pass. What disturbs me is that I predicted the situations that I'm facing right now. I was in an utter euphoria a few years ago, and as much as I hated the thought of it, I knew there would be a time shortly thereafter when I would be going through agony and despair. Unfortunately, I was right, since I knew I couldn't escape that clause about having troubles in this world for too long. Yep, the Ecclesiastes thing, I'm in that time of weeping, mourning, tearing down, and heavy searching.

However, as bad as things are right now, God is doing a new thing. If He's going to bring me through all the pain and turmoil I've been enduring, He will have something beautiful on the other side. I have faith in this, and no matter how many times I get discouraged this week and following, at the end of the day I have my Jesus and that is all that matters.

Do you remember that song, "All I Have to Do is Dream" by the Everly Brothers? It is one of my favourite songs of all time, because I used to hear it every New Year's Eve at my god-family's annual parties. I think it was the first song I ever heard in my life, outside of lullabies and kid's stuff. And even though it has to do with romantic love, I heard it tonight for the first time in years and God used it to strengthen me. Pretty weird, but it reminded me of the dreams He has given me and not to give up on them. (I know, totally and completely out of context with the song, but if it's giving me hope..!)

"Dream, dream dream dream, dream, dream dream dream...."